why it happened? why ?
What did i do? something so cruel, and astray,
... unquestionably, i gave him a misapprehending sign?
Doubtlessly, i wasn't a pure and innocent in this loss.
i destroyed everything, i demolished his life; his dream.
why it happened. why i didn't i realized, after these many years ,it could have been doable, if he had loved me, more than a love which exists between two true friends
, a love with passion.
i never had a clue. when did he fall in love with me.
we were great childhood friends, he was my best friend's husband, my husband's best man at the wedding.
i remember him; looking at my eyes "deeply and concise", he whispered: i wish you" the entire happiness possible in this" shallow, inutile earth"". i love to see your children; with pretty faces, like yours soon.
and he left. disappeared in the crowd.
i remember the time, he told me about his love to someone very especial and genuine; that he was scared of losing her forever ; if she had found out about his deep and passionate love for her; what if she got mad at him , supposing he has taken advantage of their friendship; what if she left him forever.
He told me how saddened and despair he would have felt, without her; being in his life.
i felt so sorry for him. thinkg about his love to that especial girl; whom i didn't know;who she was yet. he didn't say her name, and told me it's not the right time yet.
i told him , he too is so especial; so attractive and charming for any girl around. i told him , i knew, most of the girls; around loved to be with him.
he smiled; with depair, and said: i am afraid....; maybe, i am so many girl's dream man, but not for the one, i am in love with.
i remember, running to him, with passion and urge.
Told him: i have a present for you for your birthday, you're not gonna be in your solitude any more, i've found out, whom youre in love with; someone who matches you, whom deserves your love,
and i assure you, she will never let you down; "never."
i remember him; getting so exited, but he looked so frustrated and worried; gazing at me with doubt.
he asked me: really? you know who is the one? you're sure?
....tell me; who is the girl?
..........i intrupted him and said, with agitation: wait, before talking about you and your especial one, i should also admit something to you.
before, i was so embaressed of revealing everything to you, but since you've told me about your personal romantic feelings, to the one. i realized it's so great and pleasurable to me; sharing my feelings about my love with you. you should be the first one to know.
i love someone truely; deeply. he doesn't know that yet.
i'm also so scared of losing him forever, if he realizes that i have loved him.
what if he doesn't love me that way. i've known this guy for ages and i have always loved him.
he ponded. he blushed, but he kept silent. he looked at my eyes and told me: tell me right away; who he is. tell me. i must know. i must know it, before everything else. he shouted.
i looked at him and smiled; with doubt, i was worried, i have never seen him "glowed and out of self-conscience".
i opened my heart, and my mouth. i closed my eyes, i said he is our best friend.
i shouted his name, opened my eyes.
he was out of sense. he was pale enough to faint, his tears , coming down to his lips. he was crying?
i said: you're crying ? is he in love with someone else. tell me?
you're crying because youre happy for me? tell me?
is he also in love with me? how wonderful it would be. tell me the truth. i know he is very close and sincere with you.
he nodded.
he said with smile: ......yes, he is also in love with you.
i'm delighted ; i'm crying, because i'm very happy for you. done.
i looked at him,i said: thank you. now, i'm so releaved. i am counting on your honesty, if you're sure he loves me; so, i'm gonna reveal everything to him; about my love,
you wont leave me alone anytime.you're always going to be by my side, i need this pure friendship; i need it forever, in my life. will you?
he said: never, just if i decide to leave this shallow,and utile earth forever.
i smiled.
Now lets talk about your love and your especial one. its your turn.
he looked at me; ponded; said : sure, go ahead. tell me who you think she is. lets see if you've guessed right, or not?
i uncovered my guess; the girl, whom he's known for years, and i also disclosed, she is in love with him, and she has convinced, he also is in love with her.
he replied with surprise: she said so?
his tears kept making his entire blunted face blind, at that moment i wasn't sure about his blissfulness any more, for non of us.
i stood up , kissed him goodbye, and left.
A year passed by, he married the girl. after one month, i did get married.
Now, i'm sitting here and crying out, weeping; blaming my self about everything;
about him; leaving this shallow,inutile life,
and kissing me good bye forever.
his death was the biggest loss for me.
getting his letter by mail, a day after his death and reading his confession about his real, forever, forbidden" love"; the reason of his decision of commiting suiside.
as he said to me before: he couldn't stand" life"; if it's not with her. no, not anymore.
SaloumeNakhsaz
No comments:
Post a Comment