beautiful dreams

Beautiful dreams


I never imagined this house would be my Burdon.
I never imagined one day I have to find a way to get out of here with fear and hatred.
I never imagined myself looking upstairs from this corner to make sure if my son is still sleeping in peace.
I never imagined if I step upstairs, I would make both of us in big danger.

I must not move abet, I know I must stay still. Till the time comes up, till the sunrise.
I wish he doesn’t wake up, or I am in big dilemma.
I look towards my son’s bedroom in the last corner. The puny light is still on, like always, so he doesn’t get scared of dark. And he could step in to my room, whenever he needs me.
But I wish he doesn’t wake up now, and step in my room, if he goes in there, he would see him, he would smile and his smile would turn to uncertainty.
I wish I could go to my son and take him with me, right now, but it’s not possible, and there is not such a thing as magic.
Now, if I run upstairs, he will wake up and will come after me again .I must wait, I can’t open the main door and runaway, I can’t leave my son with him, what if he points at my son this time. So, I have to wait till the end of the night, till the sunrise.
I wish my child would be having beautiful dreams, about his parents and about this house.
I wish I could have moved the curtains to see the sky, so I witness the sunrise.
And I wish all of this, would have been just a bad dream. I wish I could have woken up and smiled.
I am close to the kitchen, stocked in the hallway, closest place to the main door, and right in front of the stairs, I am able to watch my son’s room from here, so he would be safe, close to this hall way is the bathroom, full of perfumes and flowers, I imagine myself going in there, lucking myself up and wearing lots of perfume, looking at myself in my favorite mirror. I believe that mirror makes everybody more beautiful and still.

I look at dining room on the left side, it’s huge and dark, I wish it would have turned around and vanished, so I could pass it and get in to the back yard, smell the flowers, in the garden and touch the clean water, coming down from the water fall, which has my face built on it, with a confident smile on my lips, looking towards the hallowed water.

I wish I could have passed the garden, go in to the small play room, which its walls, all are made with shining glasses, and full of colorful balls. This was my favorite room. I wanted the walls made with glasses, so there would be the morning light, and my son can see the entire sunshine. I am certain, if I got in there, I would feel harmless, but I shall remember, there is no such a thing like magic.
I stay still at the hallway, lit my cigarette, the sweet light makes my heart warm and I feel a little recovered, I look at my son’s room, still safe.
At the living room, in front of me, there are broken glasses of the picture frames, all over the floor, they used to be hanged on the walls. 2 or 3 are still hidden on the wall in the back corner, terrified, so nobody can harm them. my hands are covered with scratches of the broken pieces, pointed and thrown at me, I feel good, I could save my face, I guarded it with my both hands, I did it, so my son wouldn’t recognize any disturbance inside me, by looking at my face, at my eyes.

I’m certain, the morning will come soon, and everything will end.

I step towards the dinner table and move one of the chairs, let myself under the table, put the chair back in order. The chairs around me guard me from any harm. The table wouldn’t let any thing, thrown at my head, so I’m safe for now. I make sure I could still see my son’s room from here. I count to 6387, till sunrise.

It is morning, I hear some voices from outside, people have started their new days.
It is time to take steps.
I get out of my cave, stand still, make up my mind and run towards the step to get in to my son’s room. Right before I open the door, he comes out of the bedroom, horrified, and ashamed, steps towards me, He starts crying and asks me to forgive him about last night. I keep silent, my eyes show my hatred. He recognizes this look. I whisper, it is too late, he keeps crying. I ask him to stop, so I can wake my son up, I don’t want my son sees him diluted and lost.
He gives up piteously and vanishes.
I run to my son, I kiss him. He opens his eyes, smiles at me. I embrace him, kiss him again. I tell him how much I love him and ask him to get ready, that its time to leave.
He looks at my eyes with a deep trust, he smiles, and he doesn’t ask why.

saloume nakhsaz